You Can’t Heal What You Won’t Face

I recently had a thought and shared it on Threads:

“You can’t change what you’re unwilling to acknowledge. Deep self-reflection and honesty are required for self-development.”

It might sound simple on the surface, but many of us stay stuck because we won’t face the very things that are holding us back or negatively impacting our quality of life. We all have parts of ourselves we’d rather not look at too closely. The habits we’ve justified. The patterns we’ve repeated. The hurt we’ve carried so long it’s become familiar. But the hard truth is, what we refuse to face will continue rearing its ugly head in our relationships, circumstances and lives.

Self-awareness is the foundation of any real change. If we don’t know why we do what we do, we can’t interrupt the pattern. And if we won’t tell ourselves the truth about where we are, we can’t map a way forward. That’s why deep reflection isn’t something to skirt around; it’s something you sit with.

This kind of honesty requires courage and an acceptance of our own humanity. It’s requires an ability to look at yourself without judgment, just full ownership. You’ve got to be able to say to yourself, “Yes, I see where I’ve been holding myself back,” or “I can admit I’ve been afraid to set boundaries,” or “I haven’t been showing up in a way that honors my values.” That radical honesty might be hard to grapple with in the moment, but it’s also where your power begins to grow.

Because once you acknowledge something, you can work with it. You can shift it. You can even understand where it stems from and then you can choose differently. That’s how transformation starts. It doesn’t serve who you’re becoming to pretend everything’s fine. Once we see ourselves, we can face the truth head-on and take loving action from there.

Here are some tips for Deep Reflection, Self-Awareness, and Personal Change that are helping me grow.

1. Ask better questions. Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” ask “What’s driving this choice?” or “What need am I trying to meet?” These kinds of questions pull you out of judgment and into curiosity. They turn your focus from self-criticism to self-understanding. I’ve had to learn to be gentle with myself. Sometimes I’ll even say to myself, “Som, you’re just a human, figuring life out, relax.” Takes the pressure off and allows me to identify growth areas with grace.

2. Track your triggers. Notice when you feel defensive, resentful, or insecure. Those emotions often point to deeper beliefs or fears worth exploring. Once you can name the belief or fear under the trigger, you can address it directly instead of reacting on autopilot. If you recognize that defensiveness comes from feeling undervalued, you can work on affirming your worth and setting boundaries. If resentment is tied to overgiving, you can practice saying no without guilt. For me, I’m learning to manage my triggers. I’ve gotten to a point where I can preempt some of them. I make choices to help me steer clear of triggering conversations and situations.

3. Seek safe mirrors. Talk to trusted friends, mentors, or a therapist who can reflect back patterns you might not see yourself. When you connect with people whose feedback you trust and will tell you the truth with love, you gain access to insights you might’ve never considered on your own. A friend might point out, “You tend to downplay your accomplishments,” and suddenly you realize you’ve been shrinking yourself for years. People whose perspectives we trust can often help us see our blind spots. I joke with one of my friends about how she basically runs my life at this point. Her feedback is so beneficial in helping me identify ways I can show up better in my life. 

4. Notice your tone as much as your words. This was a big one for me! Sometimes it’s not just what we say, but how we say it that reveals where our mindset really is. A rude tone, heavy sigh, or dismissive attitude can be signs of unspoken frustration, disappointment, or resentment. Over time, shifting your tone/delivery shifts your energy, and shifting your energy shifts the way people respond to you, which usually leads to more positive interactions and outcomes. Once I realized that I get more bees with honey than with vinegar, I learned how to take a beat and talk to people like I have some sense. 

5. Practice small shifts. Change doesn’t require you to become a different person overnight. Choosing one pattern to focus on makes the process feel manageable and sets you up for success. Maybe you decide, “I’m going to speak up for myself in meetings,” or “I’m going to stop answering work emails after 7 p.m.” That one choice becomes your focus. Every time the situation comes up, you get a chance to respond differently. One of the small changes I’ve seen results with, is taking a beat when conversations get tense. I try not to respond in the height of emotion. I’m good for tabling a conversation and circling back around when a level head can prevail. I’m finding that it’s helping to strengthen my relationships. 

Here’s what I know : The life you’re dreaming of is standing on the other side of your self reflection and honesty. But you’ve got to be willing to really see yourself. No more shrinking. No more hiding behind “I’m fine,” or “that’s just how I am.” Own every part of who you are, even the messy parts, because that’s where your power lives. Face it, claim it, work on it and then watch how everything around you starts to shift in your favor.