I think we might be getting the terms self-absorbed and self-focused confused. While they may be similar and overlap in some ways, I think it’s important to note the distinctions. Focusing on yourself isn’t automatically a bad thing, in fact, it’s one of the most loving, growth-filled practices you can commit to.
What Does It Mean to Be Self-Absorbed?
Self-absorbed living is when everything turns back to you in a way that dismisses empathy, curiosity, and connection. It’s the constant obsession of “me, me, me.” What I want. How I feel. What I think. It’s a narrow self focus that doesn’t give any thought to how centering yourself may impact others.
The danger? It closes you off. Instead of creating growth, it builds walls.
What It Means to Be Self-Focused
Self-focus, when it’s healthy, is the opposite. It’s intentional and gives room for nuance. It’s reflection, healing, and self awareness. It’s about really seeing yourself with honesty which can lead to living on purpose instead of autopilot. It also considers how we navigate spaces with others and isn’t absent of assessing our impact on the world.
The benefit? When you get to know yourself, you begin to respect yourself. And when you respect yourself, you strengthen your relationships, your peace of mind, and your ability to thrive.
I’ve found that understanding the difference between these two terms is where transformation happens.
Four Tips on Healthy Self-Focus:
From episode 5 of And Then We Grow, here are four takeaways worth revisiting:
1. Reflection fuels growth. You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.
2. Awareness builds alignment. It allows you to choose instead of react.
3. Healing opens doors. Facing wounds frees you from them.
4. Healthy focus benefits everyone. When you’re whole, you pour from overflow instead of depletion.
Self-Awareness vs. Self-Judgment
Here’s where many of us stumble: self-awareness can feel like self-judgment. We notice flaws, bad habits, or old patterns and immediately slip into beating ourselves up or we stay away from things that make us feel bad about ourselves altogether.
But awareness isn’t meant to punish you. It’s an act of self-love. When you look at yourself honestly, you’re giving yourself the chance to grow. Every pattern you acknowledge is an invitation to change, not a condemnation. I say all the time, I think I’m pretty amazing, if there’s an opportunity to identify growth areas and blossom even more? – sign me up!
Sometimes all it takes is a reframe. Example: “I’m not broken—I’m learning myself and developing myself” or, “This isn’t a slight on my character, it’s an area that needs a little work.”
Tools to Practice Healthy Self-Focus
Here are a few ways to shift self-focus into growth:
• Journaling Prompts: “What’s one pattern I notice in myself, and what is it teaching me?” “How is this pattern impacting my personal relationships?”
• Mindfulness Pause: Each morning, take 2 minutes to breathe and check in: What am I feeling, and what do I need right now?
• Compassion Check: When you catch yourself criticizing, ask: How would I speak to a friend about this? Then speak to yourself that way.
• Growth Homegirl: Share one area of focus with a trusted friend or mentor who can encourage reflection without judgment.
Take Away: The key is intent. Self-absorption says, It’s all about me, me me. Healthy self-focus says, I’m learning myself so I can show up better for me and for others.
Growth doesn’t come from ignoring yourself. It comes from knowing yourself, respecting yourself, and then expanding outward with more compassion and clarity.
Your turn: Where in your life can you shift from self-judgment to self-love? How might that change the way you show up for yourself and others?
And Then We Grow 
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